...And don't call me Shirley

2008-03-07T16:41:00.001-08:00

I had this today:

I'll admit, I cried a little :(

2008-02-27T11:10:00.001-08:00

A few more:

2008-02-27T11:05:00.000-08:00

Brief highlights of my trip to London and Paris!

2008-01-27T18:29:00.000-08:00

The SAG Awards. Awards that are "important" because they are given to actors by other actors.

Or, in layperson terms, awards given to overly lauded blowhards by other overly lauded blowhards.

How very important.

They are the only awards show to likely be aired due to the Writer's Guild strike.

"We're really proud of the solidarity we've built with the Writers Guild," said Alan Rosenberg, SAG president. "Our members have understood that and taken it to heart. I was really moved by their decision not to go to the Golden Globes, our nominees. It's tough times, but it's been gratifying, as well."

Tough, because they couldn't go to the first of the awards shows that blows smoke up all of their collective asses.

It's a shame, not being able to put on a $5000 (but free to them) gown, get hair and makeup professionally done and go get pretty pictures taken of you while you do the difficult job of walking on a giant red rug.

It's a shame that all of the character actors, extras, bit players, stand-ins, PA's, 2nd ADs, camera assistants, personal assistants and anyone not making scale or above are now unemployed and praying that Bush's new economic plan passes so that they can benefit from the $600 tax rebate checks so that they can make at least one month's rent.

What a blessing that the Screen Actors Guild Awards is going forward. My faith in humanity has been restored.

2008-01-22T11:01:00.000-08:00

'Nuff Said!!

2008-01-10T17:08:00.001-08:00

I got this in an email from a family member today. It makes me incredibly sad how small minded and ridiculous people can be.

"Who is Barack Obama?

Very interesting and something that should be considered in your
choice.

If you do not ever forward anything else, please forward this to all
your contacts...this is very scary to think of what lies ahead of us
here in our own United States...better heed this and pray about it and share it.

We checked this out on 'snopes.com'. It is factual. Check for yourself.

Who is Barack Obama?

Probable U. S. presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama was born
in Honolulu, Hawaii, to Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., a blac k MUSLIM
from Nyangoma-Kogel, Kenya and Ann Dunham, a white ATHEIST from
Wichita, Kansas.
Obama's parents met at the University of Hawaii. When Obama was two
years old, his parents divorced. Hi s father returned to Kenya. His
mother then married Lolo Soetoro, a RADICAL Muslim from Indonesia.?
When Obama was 6 years old, the family relocate to Indonesia. Obama
attended a MUSLIM school in Jakarta. He also spent two years in a
Catholic school.

Obama takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a Muslim. He is
quick to point out that, 'He was once a Muslim, but that he also
attended Catholic school.'

Obama's political handlers are attempting to make it appear that
that he is not a radical.

Obama's introduction to Islam came via his father, and that this
influence was temporary at best. In reality, the senior Obama returned
to Kenya soon after the divorce, and never again had any direct
influence over his son's education.

Lolo Soetoro, the second husband of Obama's mother, Ann Dunham,
introduced his stepson to Islam. Obama was enrolled in a Wahabi school
in Jakarta.

Wahabism is the RAD ICAL teaching that is followed by the Muslim
terrorists who are now waging Jihad against the western world. Since
it is politically expedient to be a CH RISTIAN when seeking major
public office in the United States, Barack Hussein Obama has joined
the United Church of Christ in an attempt to downplay his Muslim
background. ALSO, keep in mind that when he was sworn in to office he
DID NOT use the Holy Bible, but instead the Koran.

Barack Hussein Obama will NOT recite the Pledge of Allegiance nor
will he show any reverence for our flag. While others place their hands
over their hearts, Obama turns his back to the flag and slouches.

Let us all remain alert concerning Obama's expected presidential
candidacy.

The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the US from the inside
out, what better way to start than at the highest level - through the
President of the United States, one of their own!!!!

Please forward to everyone you know Would you want this man leading
our country?...... NOT ME!!!"

It frightens me to think that there is a huge number of people who believe all this. This isn't about Obama or politics at all, but about tolerance and understanding - it is simply hate-mongering, nothing else.

They highlight in capital letters the words "Muslim" and "Islam" in an effort to capitalize on the fear people have of terrorists. But how can a person ostracize an entire, large nation of believers because a very small group has begun a regime of war and terror?

It's the sheer ignorance of the people who forward these things that scare me the most. Do they not understand that the three major religions in the world share some of the most basic and important beliefs?

Christians, Jews and Muslims all believe in ONE GOD. They all believe in Genesis, in Abraham, Moses, Issac and Jesus. The Torah, The Old Testament and the Qu'ran share similar stories, similar prophets, similar apostles. The very basics of our faiths share many of the same ideals. But of course, that's forgotten.

Also is forgotten the thousands of people killed during the 400 year long Spanish Inquisition, when Protestants, Jews and Muslims, but mostly OTHER CHRISTIANS were targeted by the Catholic monarchy, with full support of the Papal leadership.

Or, how about the 9 million Jews, Soviets, Poles, handicapped, mentally disabled, gays, and religious and political dissidents were murdered by a Christian Socialist group called Nazis?

Or the Armenian Holocaust, Rwandan Genocides, Mass killing of the Khmer Rouge?

Every religion has a history of violence and terror. But people cannot hold every member of that religion responsible, or assume that they all believe and condone the violence.

I have a very good friend who is an active member of the Muslim community. She has been to Mecca on pilgrimage. She is traveling to Afghanistan to shoot a documentary. Guess what? Not a terrorist.

Oh, one last thing. White people have been committing murders and atrocities for tens of thousands of years. I'm white. Should I be feared?

2008-01-04T15:24:00.000-08:00

Welcome Baby Clayton Joseph Wright!

10.5 lbs, 22.5 inches

Born 9pm-ish on January 3 to two VERY TIRED PARENTS!

Congratulations Chris and Gina!

2007-12-28T22:06:00.001-08:00

Wright Baby Update:

Baby Wright was due yesterday. Baby Wright decided he/she didn't want to come yesterday. So we brought Gina to Ciaoti in Studio City for their famous 'Maternity' Salad.

No Go.

Keeping our fingers crossed for tomorrow!

2007-12-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I found out something very unsettling about a friend of mine. Last month, she showed up with her leg in a brace and on crutches - she said that she tripped while carrying a laundry basket. As it turns out, her 'boyfriend' had actually pushed her over the bed in anger and she sprained her knee. She decided to leave him. Last night she told him and he told her that she would be 'shaken up.' The worst part? They have an 8-month-old together.

I just can't understand how there are still men in this world who get off on controlling the women in their lives. I have been running the situation through my head over and over again for the last day and all I can do is get incredibly angry.

In this situation, there are no solutions, no brilliant plans, no way to stop if from happening again. How can you just let it go?

2007-12-10T17:32:00.001-08:00

My friend Bob did this!

2007-11-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

My brother and his wife got some pictures from their wedding...Look how nice my family cleans up!
L-R: Poppy Pona, Grandma Pona, Grandpa Burns, Marissa, Matt, Mom, Dad, yours truly

My Dad and Brother

One of the few I'm in!

The Happy Couple

2007-11-19T12:58:00.000-08:00

Santa Monica Parking Garage - 4th Street and Santa Monica. 4:30pm Sunday.

Only in LA.

2007-11-15T09:50:00.000-08:00

Of course. Who isn't?

2007-11-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

This is a fictional letter from an anonymous assistant to an anonymous screenwriter. Even though it is fictional, it accurately describes about 98% of what I deal with every day. Living the dream, man. Living the dream.

Dear Writer on Strike:

Hi, it's me Assistant. The faceless voice you used to speak to every week.
I'm pretty sure you don't have my name down, but that's ok, I know It's my
Evil Studio Executive boss's name that is important. Anyway, I saw you
this morning in your red shirt outside my office and it got me thinking
about the times we shared together. I mean, even though we have never had
a real face to face conversation, you have had a pretty big impact on my
career and now, on my life.

I remember the first time I heard your voice, it was your answering
machine, but still, it was the voice of a person I professionally admired.
I left a message & I remember thinking my favorite writer has my voice on
their home machine. When you did call back, I connected you to my boss and
I listened on mute as I hung on your every word. Remember when Evil Studio
Executive said "Assistant send writer the script" and I replied "Of
course" like a voice from the heavens?

Remember how you jumped a little and said you were spooked? You thought
you were on that call alone….that was a funny moment wasn't it writer? I'm
on all the calls you have with Evil Studio Executive. I take notes, write
down dates & numbers and make sure that anything Evil Studio Executive
offers to you, you get without him having to ask me. I remember calling
you back to get your address so I could send that script to you. At the
end of the call you said, "thank you Kassistant." I didn't have the
courage to tell you my name is actually "Assistant", but I didn't mind, I
was talking to one of the people who inspired me to be where I am today.
So I printed the script, and I bound the script and I drafted a cover
letter. I remember bringing the letter to Evil Studio Executive to sign
and he called me a "stupid fuck tart" because I forgot to CC your agent.
It hurt my ego a little but it was ok, this is what I put up with in order
to work with creative genius like you. I called the courier and pulled up
the writers list and changed your status from "interested" to "reading."

From then on, you became a bigger part of my working day. Soon I was
coordinating meetings with you and the Evil Executive and even some Greedy
Producers. I walked you from lobbies, to conference rooms and offices. I
brought you water and I brought you coffee.

I ordered your lunch when you had to meet here anytime between the hours
of 12:30-2:00pm. I would call and apologize when we had to cancel meeting
last minute.

Remember how frustrated I would get when you didn't have a drive-on at the
studio gate, after I swore I called it in twice? That was so funny.

Next thing you knew, I threw away the writer list I updated five times a
day as you had been the chosen one to work on our project. Boy was I
excited. I remember eagerly awaiting your first draft because I wanted to
see what you applied. At least 50 hours of my time on the phone was spent
discussing some aspect of you. I would listen in on conference calls with
you pitching ideas and the evil executive saying it wouldn't work. I was
even on calls you weren't a part of (that's right, we know you slipped a
copy to greedy producers…). I even more fondly remember your agent asking
me where your " fucking commencement check" was after I had referred his
assistant to business affairs for the third time. I mean, really writer,
doesn't he know that I don't cut the check myself… silly agent. I won't
accumulate that amount of money for at least two years.

Anyway, I remember when the 1st draft of your script was delivered. It was
around 9:30pm on a Friday night.

As soon as it hit my inbox, I printed 7 copies (For Evil executives,
greedy producers, your agent, your manager, and some extras for you
because you don't have that much toner & paper at home). I bound the
copies, stuffed them in envelopes, printed out the fancy labels. I
personally drove them to everyone's houses because courier costs are more
expensive after hours… I don't think I ever told you this, but I was a
little bummed that I had to miss a birthday dinner that night. I'm not
saying this to make you feel guilty, that was a sacrifice I was willing to
make in order to be a proactive member of the studio system. I never did
get reimbursed for gas as I don't have an expense account.

Anyway, after that bundle of paper arrived the cycle continued. I arranged
meetings, conference call ports, sent your script to other agents for
talent to read…soon we were on to draft 2.

Only, there is no 2nd draft.

I'm really bummed about that. I was really looking forward to seeing if
any of the notes I had given to Evil Studio Executive would be poached and
passed off as his own and implemented into your script. (It's fine writer,
I don't mind, as long as I know in my heart who was responsible, it
doesn't matter who gets the credit). The thing is, I now have a lot more
free time to try to read your script. Due to your strike, all my overtime
has been eliminated. This basically translates into about a 50% pay cut. I
did the numbers, I will be taking home about $400 a week- I may have to
quit or try to find a second job. I guess it's not so bad writer, my
friend who just graduated, who works in the story department for $13 an
hour, she actually got fired. And I have another friend, who is a reader
(I think he did coverage on your script), well, he was also given the axe.
It sucks, but, we know how it goes. We are the little guys, the ones at
the bottom of the totem pole who suffer. I guess I should be happy that
the evil executive is ok right?

Well writer we may not get to speak again so I just wanted to thank you
for inspiring me to go to film school, & inspiring me to aggressively
fight for a minumim wage assistant job, and inspiring me to put up with
demoralizing and abusive people. I really did it all because working with
creative and smart people like you, was the real payment- not the crappy
paycheck. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming you for my decision to be
an assistant, I just think it's ironic that the writer who inspired me to
be proactive in the business is turning to be the one responsible for my
departure. I know you are fighting for what you believe is right, but just
know that the longer you stand out there, more people like me, are left
jobless, confused, and somewhat let down by their creative motivators. I
mean writer, think of all the good times we had together, we can still
have those back!

I still respect you, I still admire you and you will always be my favorite
writer. I hope you get what you are fighting for and I hope it's worth it.

Love always

Assistant

PS- I saw you chumming it up with Katherine Heigl as I left the lot. That
was really sweet of her to bring you Sprinkles…doesn't she make something
like 100k an episode?

PSS- I'm the one who ordered and delivered the Fred Segal basket for your
first born, just thought you should know since your thank you card was
addressed to the Evil one.

2007-11-07T15:30:00.000-08:00

Letter to America from Hollywood:

Dear America,

First of all, I think you guys are looking great. Have you been working out? Seriously, I can tell the difference. You look fly.

Anyhoo, it's your old buddy Hollywood, here to set your minds at ease about this little labor discrepancy you might have read about over the last few days. Yes, the writers are on strike. No, it doesn't matter one little bit. We'll get into why in a minute, but first, let's take a look at why the writers are on strike.
1. Writers are jerks who hate you
Sad but true, America. In fact, I heard them all talking about you behind your collective national back, and it wasn't pretty. Steve Zallian called you all "Crumbums." And don't even get me started on what the staff of Back to You thinks of you. But if you've ever seen the show, you've probably already figured it out.
2. Writers are greedy jerks who hate you
This is a little known fact, but all writers are paid in gold and candy. Now they want to be paid in platinum and caviar. I'm not making this up. I tried to tell them that, frankly, gold and candy is the better deal. But you know what they did? They spit on me, and they kicked me in my male bathing-suit area. Is that the act of reasonable people? No. It's the act of greedy jerks who hate you. Boo.
3. Writers have ties to al Qaeda
There's a lot that I can't divulge here, but I will tell you this: Do you think the people who wrote The Comebacks love America, or want to see America burn to the ground, and then relieve themselves on the ashes? The choice, as Black Sheep once said, is yours.

Well, now that we're up to speed, let's discuss how we're all going to move on and away from writer-centric (Or as we in the industry like to call it, "gay") television. You best believe your old buddy Hollywood has a plan for your hearts, mind, and precious, precious advertising dollars. God, we love your money. We love it. LOVE IT! PRECIOUS! BRING ME THE PRECIOUS! KILLS THE WRITERSES! I˜

Oh, WOW. Sorry, America. It's been a weird few weeks. Moving on.

The question I'm getting most these days is: "Hollywood? How will my TV viewing be affected on a day-to-day basis by the strike?"

Before I answer, let me just turn down the lights in here. Awwww, yeah. That's real nice. And let me just pour you a drink. You like Alizé or Hipnotiq? Oh, just a rum and Diet Coke, huh, America? THAT's how you're staying so fine. Well here you go, pretty-pretty. Now let me just put on some K-Ci and Jojo∑Yeah. That's real good.

OK. Now, let's get down to business. Look into my eyes. TV's gonna be there for you, baby. Like it never went away. It's gonna be better than ever.

In the pre-strike era (or as we call it, "The Prikera"), the writers wrote the shows, and the advertisers wrote the commercials. But now that the writers are out of the way, we can finally bring you seamless entertainment product. Now, I know what you're saying: "Who has both Alizé AND Hipnotiq in their home bar?" The answer to that is A MOTHERSCRATCHIN' PLAYA, HOLLA!

Your next question after that is probably: "Advertisers writing my favorite shows? Won't that suck male bathing-suit areas?" Sure it'll suck. Suck like a FOX! It'll be AWESOME! Why, look at some of the ideas we're already coming up with!

Til' Death: Raymond's brother's wife burns the roast, but then saves the day when she serves HORMEL FULLY COOKED BEEF ROAST IN AU JUS (17 oz)!

The New Adventures of Old Christine : What's-her-butt from Seinfeld has a craving for FOURTH MEAL at TACO BELL, but has to do something stupid first. She does it in a comical fashion, and then it's CHILI CHEESE NACHOS BELLGRANDE for everyone!

Back to You: Sideshow Bob and Raymond's wife do a daring expose on how freaking awesome a cold, cold COORS LIGHT is on a hot day. Raymond's wife is overwhelmed by all of her success (you know how women get), but comes to her senses with the help of PAXIL CR.

But it's not just sitcoms that will benefit from this new synergy. Won't the cast of Lost be surprised when they realize they're not lost on an island, but at TARGET! Watch as they discover a hatch-load of savings! And you know that show, Brothers and Sisters? Me neither.

And what would TV be without reality programming? Totally awesome, I know. But humor me. Because now that we're free of these bloodsucking, baby-hating, gold- and candy-eschewing writers, reality can finally cast off its leg braces, and run free! FREE! RUN, REALITY PROGRAMMING, RUN!

We're developing so many new reality shows, that there isn't space in the physical known universe to list them all. But here's a delicious sampling.
CELEBRITY BEER PONG
F*CK MY DAD
AMERICA'S BIGGEST 'MO
THE REAL REAL WEDDING CRASHERS
PIMP MY PANCREAS
ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT?
YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
YOUR DAUGHTER OR YOUR WIFE
EYE SWAP
AMERICAN RABBI
THE NEXT TOP REALITY SHOW
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR?
STRIP SCRABBLE
SMELL THIS
WHO WANTS TO KICK RACHAEL RAY IN THE ASS?
SPRING LAKE: THE REAL MONMOUTH COUNTY
PMS OR JUST BITCHY?
TO CATCH A PREDATOR NIGHTS
THE REAL OEDIPUS REX
THE NEXT NEXT NEXT PUSSYCAT DOLL
I'M THINKING OF A NUMBER
CELEBRITY I'M THINKING OF A NUMBER
And the list just goes on. And you will watch. Oh yes, you WILL watch. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. MWAH-HA-HA-HA! FEEL THE POWER OF A FULLY OPERATIONAL DEATH STAR! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA˜ Oh, jeez. Sorry.

Well, gotta run, America. We're shooting new episodes of The Daily Show this week, with its new host, the "Can You Hear Me Now?" guy. He's hysterical. He's like a fresh, young Jared.

Stay awesome,
Hollywood

2007-11-05T10:39:00.000-08:00

Casting idea:

Earlier this year, forensic scientists unveiled a silicon bust of what they believe King Tutankhamen looked like.

I think that if anyone were to ever make a movie about King Tut, Shia LeBeouf should play him. What do you think?

2007-10-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

Last week, I was watching 'American Dreamz' again. I don't know how many people have actually seen this movie, as #1 - it had a stupid title and no advertising, and #2 - it starred Mandy Moore, but I think it is utterly brilliant. It perfectly captures the idiocy of an 'American Idol' educated-society as it is led into war by a man who never realized that Canada even had a newspaper.

However, that is beside the point. The point is, Marcia Gay Harden. She plays the President's wife, a smart and supportive woman who's sole purpose is to look happy and adoring. She even takes 'special happy pills' to stay that way. Now, Marcia Gay Harden is a talent. An Oscar-Winner, she blew my mind in 'Mystic River.'

But she blew my mind in "American Dreamz" even more when I saw THIS:

Holy Crap - look at those Man Hands!! She had her hands all over Dennis Quaid (who played the president) and all I could look at where those paws.

Totally Bizarro-world!

2007-10-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

I love the literal!

2007-10-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

Officially beginning the 'Great Change of 2008!'

2007-10-23T11:15:00.001-07:00

For those of you back east -

Here's a better visual of the locations of the fires - I am 20 miles from the nearest one, in Malibu. The green arrow is where I live. The circles are the locations of the LA fires. There is no danger where I live, except in air quality...

And we are doing WAY better than the folks in San Diego...Keep your fingers crossed for some change...

2007-10-09T17:46:00.000-07:00

In 4 months from yesterday, I will be turning the dreaded 3-0.

Not happy about that.

But I AM happy about how I will be spending my thirtieth!!

Here's a little hint:

2007-10-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

What would YOU do in this situation?

A few months ago, a good friend of mine got very sick. She was hospitalized with pulmonary embolisms and a number of other issues. It was a touch-and-go situation for a while. The Doctors were doing everything they could to simply keep her alive.

This friend has a 14-year-old daughter and no other family in the state. So, while she was in the hospital, I and another friend of hers took turns sleeping at her house and taking care of her daughter.

One night, while at her house, I was sitting in her living room, watching TV with her 3 dogs, I looked over at a shelf and noticed a bottle sitting there. It was a bottle of diet pills, ordered online. I grabbed it, looking at the ingredient list. It wasn't Phen Fen or anything, but it was a non-FDA approved medicine.

So, I sat there, thinking about it for a moment. At the hospital, the doctors were completely stymied with her diagnosis - they couldn't figure out what was causing her illness. At any moment, she was at risk of throwing a clot and having a stroke. What if something in these pills might be causing the problem? Should I tell someone?

I needed advise, so I called our mutual friend and told her what I found. She agreed with me that the doctors should be told. She also thought that they might need to know exactly what kind and how much she had, and that I should look through her house to see if there was more. Meanwhile, she would call my friend's boss, whose husband, a top neurosurgeon, was overseeing my friend's medical care.

Here was my dilemma - I knew that if she discovered that I had found her pills and turned them over to the doctor, she would be very angry. I knew that I was risking permanently damaging the friendship by searching through her belongings.

However, I also knew that if her condition was at all related to those pills, and I kept my silence, she could die.

Nice situation, right?

Friend/Dead VS No Friend/Alive

Well, as most of you would assume, I went with No friend. I dug through all of her belongings and found over 15 bottles of diet pills. I reported it to her doctors. She denied that she had taken any recently and they dismissed them as a possibility.

And guess what happened?

She's not my friend anymore. She also works with me, as the assistant to the head of my division. As a result, she now tries to make other people hate me. She picked a fight with me the other day, which I just discovered was because she is angry with me for going through her things.

Was it worth it?

Well, she's alive. She's also miserable, angry and believes everyone is conspiring against her. She actively tries to ruin my relationships and reputation at work.

But she's alive.

I guess the point is, if I care about you, I will risk pissing you off and losing you as a friend if it means the difference between you living and dying.

I just wish she knew how difficult a decision that was.

2007-09-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

I've just realized that a great many people that I associate with on a daily basis are totally, completely, certifiably-batshit crazy.

What's more distressing is that the craziest of the crazies are the ones in charge, or work directly for the ones in charge.

Today, I got into an argument with the assistant of the head of my company. About what, you ask? I HAVE NO FRIGGIN' CLUE!!!

We were having a little chat about who orders copier paper, and before I knew it, she was accusing me and my department of a whole bunch of stuff and tossing her hand up in my face telling me to 'Walk out of my office.'

Now, those of you who know me best know that 'giving me the hand' is pretty much the fastest way to escalate a discussion with me from a scuffle to WWIII. It took every ounce of self-control I had to keep from just sweeping my arm across her desk and completely clearing the stuff off.

ARGH

Better

PS: This is my name in some Asian language: 英文名

Found it on a website!

2007-09-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to the brand-new Mr. and Mrs. Matt and Marissa Pona!

There are now officially 3 Mrs. Pona's in my family. I hold the one and only "Miss Pona" title. I'm never giving it up. NEVER!!!

Anyway, the wedding was beautiful. The girls far outshone the boys, in my opinion:

The Bride was beautiful, the groom, handsome. The weather was perfect for the ceremony, then rained for the reception - and they say that rain brings luck for a wedding. The dancing was non-stop - Dad doing 'Sexyback' (complete with crotch-grabbing. I may never recover), Grandpa dancing to 'Brick House.' There were guests sliding along the dance floor, dancing to 'Shout,' Grandma salsa dancing. No one remembers the food because they were too busy dancing. All-in-all, a fantastic wedding!

Unfortunately, two days prior, I caught some sort of stomach virus and nearly missed the entire thing. Missing the rehearsal, I dragged my barely recovered ass to the wedding. Hence my fantastic color during the salon trip:

Sorry about that, guys.

Congratulations again to my brother and new sister!

2007-09-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

This morning, on my way out to work, I found a crackhead peeing in the stairwell at my apartment building.

I love that my landlord thinks this is acceptable and that it, combined with the dead grass, broken screens and general crack-den appearance of the building, is worthy of a rent increase to 'market value.'

I hate renting.

2007-09-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

AH HA!

I am the queen of all things trying to be free! (I know, that makes little-to-no sense. Bear with me a moment, will you?)

On Friday, the one and only Princess Consuela Bananahammock will be meeting with the Style Network to possibly be featured on a new show called "Plan my Party," where 2 party planners fight over the right to plan your party. YOU pick the winner, and the loser has to help the winner. All I needed to do was have an event worth throwing a party for. As many of you may know, the big 3-0 is coming up in February. AND, I'm headed out of LaLa land next summer. So, I though, what the hell? 30th B-day + Goodbye L.A.! They pay for the whole thing! And it's a fancy, fun big party!

The only catch? It has to be in October. And I need to have a nice apartment or house to throw the party in. My question is this:

1. Do you have a nice house or apartment you'd be willing to loan me for a Saturday night in October?

2. Would you come to a birthday party for a friend, even if it is 3 months early?

Don't forget - it will probably air around my actual birthday...so, theoretically, it could work out, right?

C'MON NOW, FOLKS! FREE, TELEVISED BIRTHDAY PARTY!

2007-08-27T14:20:00.001-07:00

Reason #10 why I hate looking for new roommates:

My email to a candidate whom I decided against:

"Hi Stephanie,

Thanks for coming by yesterday. Unfortunately, I don't think we
would be a good fit. Good luck on your search!"

Her reply?

"good, because I didnt like you or the apt anyway"

God bless the ignorant. And the socially and physically mutated.

2007-08-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

My Great-Great Aunt Ruthie died this week. She was my great-grandmother's last remaining sister - she was 97 or 96 or something. Nanny (my great-grandma) was 98 when she died 3 years ago.

That thar are some OL' peoples, folks.

Is a life that long worth it if you can't hear, see or do the other things that give you dignity? I'm not so sure.

One thing is for certain - those Kumpf girls sure did live a full life - they started when horse and buggies were the only form of transportation, when Bayonne, NJ was a vacation resort town, not the cultural hotspot it is today, and they lived through 2 world wars, the Roaring 20's, the Great Depression, the discovery of penicillin, the Korean War, Vietnam, the conformity of the Eisenhower era, the Summer of Love, soldiers, conservatives, hippies, yuppies, Martin Luther King, JR., cars, planes, television, the birth of the sitcom, the death of the sitcom, computers, cell phones, space travel. Teddy Roosevelt, WH Taft, Wilson, Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, FDR, Truman, Eisenhower, JFK, LBJ, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Moron.

The whole world changed in ways our generation will never see. I am forever in awe that they witnessed it all. I only wish that they had been able to share it.

2007-08-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

2007-08-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

I'm auditioning for Hell's Kitchen this afternoon.

I know.

Don't ask.

Should be interesting!

2007-08-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

One Sunday in June, Melinda and I took a trip to "The Fringe."

We visited the Integretron:

We had a Sound Bath, bathing in the sounds of crystal quartz singing bowls:

And afterwards, feeling all Chakra-d out and karmically at peace with ourselves, we stopped at the rest stop in Cabazon, home of the "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" dinosaurs. Remember when Pee-Wee and Simone (the French-loving waitress) sat in the mouth of the T-Rex and watched the sunrise?

Yup. We was there!

As it turns out, these landmarks are actually now owned and operated by a group of fundamentalist Christians who believe that Evolution is a myth. They have converted the dinosaurs into a Creationist Museum. Now, don't get me wrong. I fully support everyone's right to have differening opinions. However, their idea of 'Museum' was rather laughable. Photocopied printouts of hand-drawn pictures of Neanderthals in plastic page protectors scotch-taped to the inside of the T-Rex does NOT make for a museum. And blasting Televangelist programming in their gift-shop was a feat of pure genius. It was pure, unadulterated genius! Or so I thought. Until Mel and I decided to get lunch at the diner there.

Brilliance. Utter and complete brilliance. First of all, the waitresses were all dressed in these cheap, velour, animal print dresses that were cut to look like cavemen clothes.

(look to left background behind me - we couldn't find a way to discreetly take a picture)

The diner itself looked like the land that time forgot - brown, wood paneling, decorations and furnishing that were out of style by the time I was born.

I had been here before, once, with the ex. But I gotta say, this time was SOOOO much better. Maybe because Mel truly understands the brilliance of absurdity.

We had a fantastic time!

Enjoy!

A Ziploc full of water, handing from the window. Why? Dunno.

2007-08-02T11:47:00.000-07:00

But THIS is why I'll never date a Sicilian...

ROME (Reuters) - A Sicilian mother took away her 61-year-old son's house keys, cut off his allowance and hauled him to the police station because he stayed out late.

Tired of her son's misbehavior, the retiree in the central Sicilian city of Caltagirone turned to the police to "convince this blockhead" to behave properly, La Sicilia, one of Sicily's leading newspapers, reported on Thursday.

The son responded by saying his mother did not give him a big enough weekly allowance and did not know how to cook.

"My son does not respect me, he doesn't tell me where he's going in the evenings and returns home late," the woman was quoted as saying. "He is never happy with the food I make and always complains. This can't go on."

Police helped the squabbling duo make up and the two returned home together, with the son's house keys and daily allowance restored.

Most Italian men still live at home late into their 30s, enjoying their "mamma's" cooking, washing and ironing.

2007-07-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

If you are calling for Technical support, and they technician will be using vocabulary that you may not be intimately familiar with (if you are, you wouldn't be calling, now would you?), doesn't it make total sense to have that technician be FUCKING OUTSOURCED TO A COUNTRY WHERE ENGLISH IS THEIR THIRD FUCKING LANGUAGE?

Here's a little word of advice to: Washington Mutual, AT&T and all the other SUCKO COMPANIES THAT OUTSOURCE:

Making them use a name like 'Jason' or 'Rich' does NOT make me believe I'm speaking to someone anywhere else than in BANGLEDESH!!!

And beyond that - making us navigate the friggin Amazon river of options with 'Suzie, your friendly Voice Recognition Operator,' and wasting 20 minutes of our time before we even GET to Bangledesh does not prepare us. It makes us want to stick our hands in the phone and pull that stupid fucking robot bitch's electronic voicebox out through the phone line.

Thank you for calling.

2007-07-24T11:02:00.001-07:00

6th Grade.

10th Grade.

Freshman Year.

2001

2002

2005

2007

You know, they say that history repeats itself. Now, I don't really know who 'they' are, but I do have to agree with them about that. Especially in terms of the old quote, "Those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it."

I find myself, once again, learning the lesson of 'Don't be yourself, Jaime. Nobody likes the real you.' The real me tends to cut through the bullshit and speak my mind. The real me will defend the unpopular choice. The real me will NOT lie to you and say, "No, I can't - I'm really busy." I will, however, say, "No, I can't - I don't want to."

I've had people say to me in the past, 'But we love that about you - you're so forward and brash.' Right. That's totally true, when my 'forwardness' isn't about you. As soon as it is, I swiftly return to my original role of, "Jaime, the bitch."

I don't fool myself. I know exactly what I am and who I am. I know when I'm being a bitch. I know when I'm not making a lot of friends. But there is one thing I truly and honestly believe, no matter what. And I may be wrong - dead wrong. This could be where I fool myself. I believe that I try my damnedest not to intentionally hurt people. With the exception of my brother, (when, on occasion and in our teen years, I wanted to rip his ears off:)) Every day, I temper my tongue, bite back words and try to be conscienscious of what I say. I have a tone. Yes. I've been told. A lot. My tone, not my words, gets me into more trouble than anything. And I am, once again, suffering the consequences of that.

I've lost friends completely and totally because of 'a tone.' I've driven people completely away on the rare time that I choose NOT to engage them in an argument. When I get hurt, I don't defend myself. I don't stand up for myself and say, "Stop doing that." I retreat. I let people walk all over me after I've let them in. But it doesn't do any good. I just end up the bitch again.

Everyone I know has been forgiven for far worse offenses. Why is it that mine are so severe?

Why can a person get shit-faced on alcohol and drive-away, and everyone forgives them? Why can a person use hateful, angry words and intentionally try to hurt someone, and still be forgiven?

Why do we have to wear our self-improvement on our sleeves to have people cut us any slack?

A shout-out to the world, people:

THERE IS NO AA FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME. I AM DOING MY BEST TO CHANGE AND NOT BE AS HARD AND BITCHY. THERE IS NO CHIP, NO CAKE, NO REWARD. I HAVE NO SUPPORT GROUP. THERE IS NO 'ANGRY, CYNICAL BITCHES ANONYMOUS' SUPPORT GROUP.

Please give me, and others like me, the benefit of the doubt that we don't ENJOY being like this. Because it's a terribly hateful and painful thing to realize that you do anything and everything for the people you care about, you may put yourself out and sacrifice yourself 90% of the time for them. But you will only be remembered, only be judged, by the 10% of the time that you do not.

2007-07-09T12:23:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, I received a letter from one Mr. Scott Harris at Innovative Artists.

(I'll post it once I figure out how to scan it - any suggestions?)

"Dear Jaime,

I am in receipt of your June 18, 2007 letter. In the event that you have not heard, within days of the initial announcement, I rescinded my initial decision and took the necessary steps to ensure that everyone's medical benefits had been retroactively reinstated and that there was no lapse in anyone's coverage.

Thank you for taking the time to send me your thoughts on this matter and best wishes to you in the future.

Very Truly Yours,

Scott Harris
President"

Well, he didn't quite redeem himself but that was a very dignified response.

I don't know how much of an effect my little crusade had on this situation. Maybe nothing. Or maybe a lot. But was I found encouraging was how the public outcry helped to fuel the employees themselves to fight harder.

Innovative is just a tiny company. An inconsequential microcosm that, if nothing else, represents something much bigger. Imagine if the employees of companies like Wal-Mart, GM and others were to have the support of the greater population. Imagine what our actual president would do if the people fighting for what's right had the true and outspoken support of the citizens of this country...Sitting back and expecting someone else to fight for you doesn't work. But helping someone fight for themselves is 100% effective.

Ok - getting off my soapbox now.

The next post will be fun. I promise.

2007-06-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

"Actor Isaiah Washington insists the only reason he was fired from TV show Grey's Anatomy for making a homophobic remark was because of the color of his skin. Washington infamously made an offensive comment about castmate T.R. Knight last October and repeated it at the Golden Globe Awards earlier this year. But the 43-year-old claims he was fired from Grey's Anatomy earlier this month because America can't find it in its heart to forgive an African-American. He cites the examples of actor Robert Downey, Jr., who has rebuilt his career despite multiple run-ins with the police over his drug problems, and politician Arnold Schwarzenneger, who has fought allegations of sexual misconduct. Washington tells U.S. magazine Newsweek, "I apologized and showed my remorse for what I said and for the pain I caused anyone. If a black man can't get forgiveness in this country, when so many other people like Robert Downey, Jr. and the governor of California get second and third chances... I think that says a lot about race and this country where we stand.""

Okay, I'd just like to say - America can't find it in its heart to forgive an African-American?? Robert Downey, Jr. hurt no one but himself with his drugs. Schwarzenneger has fought allegations of sexual misconduct - but it was never proven. But Isaiah Washington - Made a bigoted remark in front of millions of people and only took it back to save his job.

America forgives those who deserve to be forgiven, Isaiah - black, white, asian, hispanic. But America does not forgive scheming, no-good ASSHOLES who have built a reputation for being enormous hate-mongers. Go ahead and hide behind the race card - I'm sure no one will notice that you are just a bad person.

2007-06-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK POST PAGE SIX!!!

HEALTHY MOVE

June 20, 2007 -- STAFFERS at L.A. talent agency Innovative Artists were celebrating last night after the company reinstated their health benefits. Last week, more than 50 assistants and mail workers were told they were no longer covered because of rising costs. They threatened to walk. But yesterday, agency president Scott Harris hastily apologized and reinstated the coverage. "Everyone's really happy. The little guy won for once," a source told The Post's Michael Riedel. Innovative reps such stars as Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson.

2007-06-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

Follow-up:

Innovative staffers have had their benefits re-instated, "With Conditions."

Don't know what that means yet, but I'll keep ya posted!

2007-06-18T15:04:00.000-07:00

The beginning of backlash:

Innovative deals with angry staffers
Dust settling in agency's decision
By PETER GILSTRAP
Innovative Artists agents' assistants haven't taken to the streets of Santa Monica with cries of "Attica!", but mutinous rumblings are growing louder.
Last Friday, agency president Scott Harris announced that health insurance would only be provided to agents, junior agents, and key administrative staff. He cited cost-cutting concerns. The decision is retroactive to June 1.

What Harris sees as a way to avoid escalating medical premiums was perceived by support staff as a call to strike.

The roughly 70 affected staffers -- agent assistants, mailroom workers and other employees -- threatened a sick-out today in protest. However, a source inside the agency said only a small handful in the New York and L.A. offices did so.

Instead, the low-level employees took action with a high-level lunch meeting, an unsanctioned gathering designed to plan their next move.

"We're getting $100 less than anyone in town, we get no over time and we have to pay for parking which is down the street," said one source, who admitted that staff did get free bagels every Wednesday.

"Now we have no health insurance. At the Christmas party, Harris was boasting about profits and growth. No one knew there were money issues. Maybe we're young and naïve, but we like to think that the bottom line isn't just money.

"This hits people all the way down to the concierge," stated the source, "and he has to do all kinds of extra things like build [Harris] furniture. And he has a daughter. There are people here in hospital situations. There's a girl in a cast."

A call to Harris' office was not returned.

The fallout remains to be seen.

"People came to work because they're scared, but they're looking for jobs. I know we're powerless, but it's like he's rubbing our faces in it."

Just prior to the scheduled lunch meeting, Harris issued the following memo, obtained by Daily Variety, to staff:

I know that my change of policy is a big issue for many of you as it is for me as well. I have been quite unhappy for a long time with the annual rate hikes that Innovative has experienced year after year after year. Finally this year as it was time to go through this annual procedure I did what our clients sometimes do... I switched to a bigger insurance agency that appeared to have more power and connections.

After this change things got off to an annoyingly rocky start. After far too much time had passed, I finally got bids from the various health care providers very late in the game. When my new agent presented the choices available to us I was left with a very short window (of time) to evaluate the menu of possible options all of which included substantial rate increases. Among the various unattractive options presented the best two were:

A) To switch to an inferior insurance company that I know would make everyone on the plan unhappy (because they make the claims process a nightmare even though they had the lowest bid by far).

or

B) Figure out how to deal with another huge rate hike without changing companies AND the growing demand I also felt compelled to address this year which is the need to better compensate our assistant team.

I chose to go with option "B" for numerous reasons.

One of the key reasons that motivated me to opt in this direction is my desire to have and be able to attract top assistants by better compensating this group. There is not a way for me to both keep the assistants on our current plan and take care of their need to receive higher wages. The amount of the increases is yet to be quantified but when I do make the determination, I will pay the increase to the assistants retroactively (as of the date that Innovative no longer provided medical coverage).

Although this was always my plan I did not want to connect the two issues because I still need to figure out the new compensation schedule for our assistants.

This was an agonizing decision for me. I arrived at my determination after seeing many spread sheets of numbers and options and ways to go. I did not involve anyone else in this decision so there is no one else to blame. If I had the luxury of more time I'm sure I could have presented this to everyone in a better way but what is done is done. I apologize to any of you that felt blindsided by this but I did need to deliver in writing this change of policy.

The odd moral to this story is that my changing to an agent at a bigger and more powerful company did not produce the result one would hope for....I hope at least some of you can see the ironic humor in this.

Oddly I hardly received any phone calls from any of you (one of you to be exact) and the Emails I received could be counted on one hand. I did however receive phone calls and an Email from Mike Fleming at Daily Variety who was informed about the Innovative business decision. I enclose below his Email to me and my reply because I see no need for any secrets. There is more that I would write you but much of it is contained in my reply to Mike Fleming at DV. Mike's Email to me is on the bottom and my reply is above it.

I'd like to conclude by saying that if any of you would like to interact with me directly about this, either individually or as a group, I would never shy away from being open minded and listening. I make no representations that I will change my mind but my door is open much wider for your feedback than it would be at other agencies. If any of you want to write me or discuss this send me an Email and I will get in touch next week on the phone or by return Email.

Scott

2007-06-18T14:13:00.001-07:00

This is the letter I'm sending to Scott Harris, President of Innovative Artists.

June 18, 2007

Mr. Scott Harris
Innovative Artists
1505 10th Street
Santa Monica, CA 90401

Dear Mr. Harris:

This letter is in response to your audacious and immoral decision to suspend, retroactively, the health benefits of the 50+ assistants and support staff at your company.

Mr. Harris, your move is both immoral and disturbing. How dare you make a statement such as: "Most Innovative assistants are very young and do not have medical issues (and hence do not get much value from the coverage)?" You have no right to decide that just because someone is young, they are not entitled to reasonable medical coverage. This, Mr. Harris, is reverse ageism. Preventative care is just as important, if not more than, critical or acute care. And unless the “new pay structure for assistants that would allow them to make more money” includes a substantial enough increase to raise the assistant salary to competitive market value with an addition to cover the entirety of the cost of COBRA or private insurance, this decision is a slap in the face to everyone that you call your “quality support team.” In addition, your choice to exclude the agents and agent-trainees from the cut is atrocious – those employees are not the ones earning the lowest salaries.

Mr. Harris, I entreat you to reverse your decision. The abject condition of this nation’s Health Care program is distressing enough. Do not contribute by doing the same. Cut costs in other ways – go paperless. Limit office-supplies. Reallocate a small percentage of your agent fees to cover health care. Or make cuts at a higher level – perhaps you could sacrifice a small percentage of your salary to ensure the health and safety of the very people who keep your company running.

I wish you much success in the future of your company – a company that will hopefully begin to honor and cater to its employees as much as to its clients.

Sincerely,

Jaime L. Pona

2007-06-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

I emailed this, posted it on MySpace, and now on Blogger. Spread the word.

Scott Harris, the President of Innovative Artists Agency in Santa
Monica, announced, via MEMO, on Friday, that he was cutting ALL HEALTH
BENEFITS for the 50+ assistants and LOWER-level employess, RETROACTIVE
to June 1st. He stated that the decision was made " "after much
deliberation in the face of the ever-increasing costs of medical
premiums." However, the move did NOT affect the AGENTS or
AGENT-TRAINEES, only the lower-level employees, all of whom earn in
the range of $400-$425/week. MAXIMUM. Harris only offers pay
increases 1 time per year, in the amount of $25/week. What does this
mean? If an assistant stays at Innovative for 3 years, their ending
salary would be $475. In addition, an amount of roughly $40 per WEEK
is deducted to cover HEALTH BENEFITS. So, after each employee
contributes an amount of about $170 PER MONTH for a health benefit
program that only covers 60%, (after deductable), Mr. Harris decides
to CUT the benefits for these GROSSLY underpaid assistants, in order
to save money. Yet his cuts do NOT affect those whose salaries are
MORE than enough to cover private health care. He even had the GALL to
say this: "Most Innovative assistants are very young and do not have
medical issues (and hence do not get much value from the coverage),"
he wrote. Harris said the agency would institute a new pay structure
for assistants that would allow them to make more money, which he felt
was a higher priority for them."
The worst part? He was OUT OF THE COUNTRY when he sent this memo.
This coward didn't even have the strength of character to FACE his
employees when he cut their benefits.

Why does this bother me? Many reasons:

#1. This is just one example of the huge injustice that these large
companies get away with time and time again. It occurred in the
Wal-Mart corporation just last year, the US Government cut Veteran's
benefits - its an unending cycle that is continuing to propagate
because the majority of people are turning a blind eye.

#2. These cuts are primarily affecting the lowest paid individuals.

#3. He made the assumption that most assistants are young and don't
require medical care. If this were true, then children wouldn't
require Pediatricians. Young people wouldn't require Preventative
Care. No one, especially not the YOUNG WOMEN who happen to become
pregnant, require any healthcare. YOUNG = NO NEED for doctors.

It is reverse ageism, if nothing else. It is no better than cutting
the prescription benefits for the elderly.

If this were just an issue at one small company in Santa Monica, CA, I
probably wouldn't be so bothered. But this is a MUCH larger issue that
I am starting to see a seriously disturbing pattern of.

So, I've decided to try to spearhead a grass-roots campaign.
Obviously, we can't change everything. But if everyone shares this
information with other people, we can reach a large enough audience to
enact change.

To start, I am beginning a letter-writing campaign to Mr. Scott
Harris, President of Innovative Artists. My goal is to have him
innundated with at least 500 letters stating our outrage at his
AUDACIOUS and CRIMINAL act. If this works, then it will be a good
sign that affecting a greater change is possible.

Please join me in writing a letter to express your opinions to:

SCOTT HARRIS
1505 10th Street
Santa Monica, CA 90401

Thank you,

Jaime Pona

The Daily Variety Article:

Innovative cuts health benefits
Move does not affect senior, junior agents
By MICHAEL FLEMING
Talent agency Innovative Artists instituted a cost-cutting innovation
that had 50 or more assistants and mailroom staff threatening to call
in sick on Monday -- because they no longer have health benefits.
In a memo from agency president Scott Harris dated Friday, staffers
were informed that their health benefits had been eliminated,
retroactive to June 1. In the memo, a copy of which was obtained by
Daily Variety, Harris told the staff the decision was made "after much
deliberation in the face of the ever-increasing costs of medical
premiums." Staffers were told they could continue their coverage
through Cobra.

Move does not affect senior or junior agents or administrative staff
working under contracts. Several assistants on track to make agent
also were excluded. Support staffers were reeling, and agents were
unhappy because they risk losing assistants who will have to pay
higher premiums to get coverage through Cobra, which is usually
retained when a person is between jobs.

One Innovative employee who was affected by the maneuver told Daily
Variety that as many as 70 employees lost their health insurance, some
with families. They had no warning before the memo arrived. The timing
of the move was particularly galling, the source said, because
recipients learned they unknowingly had been without insurance for two
weeks, and because the bomb was dropped while Harris was on vacation.
Assistants who made low wages will be hard-pressed to afford coverage,
and the expectation is that some will leave.

Innovative is best known for repping voiceover, commercial and
below-the-line clients, along with young talent.

The morale-buster comes as Innovative weathers the usual problem
encountered by boutiques that discover talent and struggle to hang on
when bigger agencies notice. Innovative agent Louise Ward just jumped
to the William Morris Agency, and up-and-coming actor Channing Tatum
has said he plans to follow her. "Collateral" scribe Stuart Beattie
previously left Innovative to go to CAA.

Harris estimated via email that 50 were affected by the move, which he
made after evaluating health care costs. "Most Innovative assistants
are very young and do not have medical issues (and hence do not get
much value from the coverage)," he wrote. Harris said the agency would
institute a new pay structure for assistants that would allow them to
make more money, which he felt was a higher priority for them.

"We have a quality support team at Innovative that I value, and it is
my belief that for the vast majority, the pay increase that they will
be receiving in the future will be far more appreciated than
continuing to participate on the current medical plan," Harris wrote.

Harris said he was in Germany to have medical treatment on a knee -- a
procedure not covered under his own health plan. He confirmed the
benefit cutback is retroactive to June 1 but wrote that "none of my
employees will face any out-of-pocket costs if in fact they went to
the doctor in June."

2007-06-07T17:45:00.000-07:00

OPENS TOMORROW, JUNE 8TH, 2007!

YAY!

2007-06-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

This was just lovely:

15 Reasons Mister Rogers Was the Best Neighbor Ever

Back when I was in 7th grade I stood up in front of my English class and delivered a tongue-in-cheek, poorly researched presentation on why I thought Mister Rogers should be the next President. I ate up the first few minutes zipping up my cardigan, and putting on some sneakers, and then I proceeded to mock him roundly. It was a riotous success. Fourteen years later, I’m using this post to repent. The following are 15 things everyone should know about Fred Rogers:

1. Even Koko the Gorilla loved him
Most people have heard of Koko, the Stanford-educated gorilla who could speak about 1000 words in American Sign Language, and understand about 2000 in English. What most people don’t know, however, is that Koko was an avid Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood fan. As Esquire reported, when Fred Rogers took a trip out to meet Koko for his show, not only did she immediately wrap her arms around him and embrace him, she did what she’d always seen him do onscreen: she proceeded to take his shoes off!

2. He Made Thieves Think Twice
According to a TV Guide piece on him, Fred Rogers drove a plain old Impala for years. One day, however, the car was stolen from the street near the TV station. When Rogers filed a police report, the story was picked up by every newspaper, radio and media outlet around town. Amazingly, within 48 hours the car was left in the exact spot where it was taken from, with an apology on the dashboard. It read, “If we’d known it was yours, we never would have taken it.”

3. He Watched His Figure to the Pound!
In covering Rogers’ daily routine (waking up at 5; praying for a few hours for all of his friends and family; studying; writing, making calls and reaching out to every fan who took the time to write him; going for a morning swim; getting on a scale; then really starting his day), writer Tom Junod explained that Mr. Rogers weighed in at exactly 143 pounds every day for the last 30 years of his life. He didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, didn’t eat the flesh of any animals, and was extremely disciplined in his daily routine. And while I’m not sure if any of that was because he’d mostly grown up a chubby, single child, Junod points out that Rogers found beauty in the number 143. According to the piece, Rogers came “to see that number as a gift… because, as he says, “the number 143 means ‘I love you.’ It takes one letter to say ‘I’ and four letters to say ‘love’ and three letters to say ‘you.’ One hundred and forty-three.”

4. He Saved Both Public Television and the VCR
Strange but true. When the government wanted to cut Public Television funds in 1969, the relatively unknown Mister Rogers went to Washington. Almost straight out of a Capra film, his 5-6 minute testimony on how TV had the potential to give kids hope and create more productive citizens was so simple but passionate that even the most gruff politicians were charmed. While the budget should have been cut, the funding instead jumped from $9 to $22 million. Rogers also spoke to Congress, and swayed senators into voting to allow VCR’s to record television shows from the home. It was a cantankerous debate at the time, but his argument was that recording a program like his allowed working parents to sit down with their children and watch shows as a family.

5. He Might Have Been the Most Tolerant American Ever
Mister Rogers seems to have been almost exactly the same off-screen as he was onscreen. Despite being an ordained Presbyterian minister, and a man of tremendous faith, Mister Rogers preached tolerance first. Whenever he was asked to castigate non-Christians or gays for their differing beliefs, he would instead face them and say, with sincerity, “God loves you just the way you are.” Often this provoked ire from fundamentalists.

6. He Was Genuinely Curious about Others
Mister Rogers was known as one of the toughest interviews because he’d often befriend reporters, asking them tons of questions, taking pictures of them, compiling an album for them at the end of their time together, and calling them after to check in on them and hear about their families. He wasn’t concerned with himself, and genuinely loved hearing the life stories of others. Amazingly, it wasn’t just with reporters. Once, on a fancy trip up to a PBS exec’s house, he heard the limo driver was going to wait outside for 2 hours, so he insisted the driver come in and join them (which flustered the host). On the way back, Rogers sat up front, and when he learned that they were passing the driver’s home on the way, he asked if they could stop in to meet his family. According to the driver, it was one of the best nights of his life—the house supposedly lit up when Rogers arrived, and he played jazz piano and bantered with them late into the night. Further, like with the reporters, Rogers sent him notes and kept in touch with the driver for the rest of his life.

7. He was Color-blind
Literally. He couldn’t see the color blue. Of course, he was also figuratively color-blind, as you probably guessed. As were his parents who took in a black foster child when Rogers was growing up.

8. He Could Make a Subway Car full of Strangers Sing
Once while rushing to a New York meeting, there were no cabs available, so Rogers and one of his colleagues hopped on the subway. Esquire reported that the car was filled with people, and they assumed they wouldn’t be noticed. But when the crowd spotted Rogers, they all simultaneously burst into song, chanting “It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood.” The result made Rogers smile wide.
A few other things:

9. He got into TV because he hated TV. The first time he turned one on, he saw people angrily throwing pies in each other’s faces. He immediately vowed to use the medium for better than that. Over the years he covered topics as varied as why kids shouldn’t be scared of a haircut, or the bathroom drain (because you won’t fit!), to divorce and war.

10. He was an Ivy League Dropout. Rogers moved from Dartmouth to Rollins College to pursue his studies in music.

11. He composed all the songs on the show, and over 200 tunes.

12. He was a perfectionist, and disliked ad libbing. He felt he owed it to children to make sure every word on his show was thought out.

13. Michael Keaton got his start on the show as an assistant– helping puppeteer and operate the trolley.

14. Several characters on the show are named for his family. Queen Sara is named after Rogers’ wife, and the postman Mr. McFeely is named for his maternal grandfather who always talked to him like an adult, and reminded young Fred that he made every day special just by being himself. Sound familiar? It was the same way Mister Rogers closed every show.

15. The sweaters. Every one of the cardigans he wore on the show had been hand-knit by his mother.

2007-05-31T10:41:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when you get VERY drunk on Memorial Day and someone lets you play with wigs:

Look familiar? Yeah, that's because I look like my mother, circa 1979.

2007-05-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

Big changes are afoot. (Afoot? Is that right?) I've come to a really big decision. I'm pretty excited about it. Can't say too much about it yet -working on the details at the moment. But I'm feeling confident about it.

Keep your fingers crossed.

2007-05-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Trent for posting this!!!

That Tom Brady - quite the little cheater, isn't he?

2007-05-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

Saw this tonight.

Uh, WHAT THE EFF???

2007-04-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

This morning, they cancelled classes at Bonita High School in LaVerne, CA. They closed all the schools in the area because a student there was reported missing by his parents. They noticed that he had stolen a bunch of guns from their home and disappeared.

Earlier this week, Cho Seung-Hui murdered 32 people with guns that he purchased legally. In Columbine, the killers used guns they purchased illegally.

Here's my question. If they didn't have access to all those guns, how would they have managed to kill all those people? It seems to me that it would have been a hell of a lot more difficult to kill 32 people with a knife, or a hammer or a bat. Even a chainsaw couldn't do that kind of damage.

I understand the constitutional right to bear arms. In 1776, 'Arms' consisted of knives, bayonets, swords and axes. If a person did happen to have a gun, they had a single-shot rifle or musket that could only shoot straight a short distance.

In Revolutionary Era America, there was never a single person 'massacre' reported. It's really hard to massacre people with a sword, or a single-shot musket.

What's my point? My point is this. When the Constitution was written, there were a lot of policies that are no longer appropriate or even moral. At the time, Colonists were allowed and encouraged, to own slaves. But when legislators realized that it was wrong, they abolished slavery. TIMES CHANGE. So must certain traditions and right.

Outlaw guns. Or at least, Ammunition. It would be pretty damn hard to kill someone with no bullets.

2007-04-19T11:31:00.000-07:00

OK THAT'S IT!!!

THIS MUST BE STOPPED!!!

There really needs to be a special punishment for the people that keep trying to bring 80's fashion back. DO YOU REMEMBER THE HORRORS, PEOPLE?!?!?!?

2007-04-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

You know, only 5 or 6 people read this from time to time. To most of you, and you know who you are, I say this:

Thank you for not being psychotic. For never making me worry that you are going to end up on the 11 o'clock news forever known as the neighbor who was 'always so quiet and kept to themselves.'

Live Loud. Be seen. Get angry, yell, laugh, cry. Be recognized. Be assertive and forward. Be intelligent.

Don't end up in the Emergency Room because you got hurt while stinking drunk. Don't be mean to the people that want to help you.

Speak up. Enunciate. Be proud that you can speak, that you are literate, that you are educated.

This week I found myself very disappointed and disgusted with many people in this world. But I also found a lot of exceptions to that.

Always be an exception!

2007-04-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

Did you ever wake up late one morning, over-tired because your third comforter fell off the bed in the middle of the night and the other two snaked down to the bottom of the bed and got stuck under the footboard, and your panties bunched up totally giving you a monster wedgie and you have to pee but you have to make coffee first, only you can't get the top off of the vacuum-tub coffee carafe so you dig through the silverware drawer looking for one of those weird plastic floppy things that are supposed to help you get jar lids open, then you get the carafe open only to find it slimed up with some sort of uber-petroleum smelling toxic waste because you haven't washed it in a few days but you can't really wash it because the hole is too small to shove a sponge is so you just fill it with water and shake it really hard, but not before spilling half of the now brown-water all over your pink, swishy, wedgie-causing sleep pants, waking you up in a horribly unpleasant way but motivating you to get the fucking coffee made so you can finally get to the bathroom to pee and shower before you run to work at 8:56 AM because you can't ever seem to get ready fast enough, frigging eyebrow OCD, but then you have to run down the stairs and past the homeless poop in the stairwell to your car, drive the 4 blocks to your office, park, run down to the street and across it, into the gate, up the stairs and into your office before looking down and realizing that your purse strap has undone your top shirt button and you just ran across Washington Blvd. and a complex full of animators with your cleavage-enhancing bra totally exposed to everyone you passed?

No? Just me?

Weird.

Today we ran out of Xerox paper for the copier. 25 people use the copier, but no one noticed that we were running low. So, when we finally ran out, someone called for new paper. 6 hours later, Xerox arrived. But there was a problem - they couldn't find us. "Where are you?" The driver asked. "In the corner building on the 2nd floor." "I can't find you," he said. This is a confusing discussion. "Why?" you may ask. The answer is simple. We work in a small complex, less than 1 city block in area. There are three, distinct buildings in this complex. One is long and along the south property border. One is short and along the north property border. And one is V-shaped and sits in the corner of the property. On the corner of two streets. This is my building. The Corner Building. Named for it's location and shape, NOT for General Dweezil B. Corner. Approach the building and there are only 3 entrances - one on each arm of the V and one in the center. Each has a staircase. If you go up any of the staircases 1 level, you find yourself on the 2nd Floor. One about 1st Floor, One below 3rd Floor. In the middle of the second floor are 2 Xerox machines. Together. So, tell me Issac Newton...Where's the fucking disconnect???

The arch of my right foot hurts today.

I made an ass of myself in front of a nice boy yesterday.

My Grandma thinks I'm a lesbian.

The other day, I went to the grocery store. I stood in the 'check yourself out, loser' line, designed for people clearly only shopping for themselves. I had less than 15 items. A guy stood behind me. He was about 6'4". He had a bag of chicken. When I stepped up to the register, he stepped up right behind me. I mean, sniff my hair behind me. 'You wanna go?" I asked him. "Yo, can I?" he asked. 15 minutes later, he and his Vanilla Ice pal were still standing there trying to figure out how to get the magical machine to give them money. 15 minutes for a bag of 6 chicken wings. 15 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Did you ever notice that most of the people that use those little motorized scooters also tend to have asses the size of Rhode Island? Do you think they got Rhode Island asses from using he scooters, or do they use the scooters because of the asses?

2007-04-10T09:26:00.000-07:00

Some Highlights from my Easter cruise to Mexico!

To sum up - Windy. Drink. Eat. More Drink. Cold. The end!

Thanks to the fantabulous Ms. E* for coming with!

2007-04-04T11:25:00.000-07:00

WELCOME EMMA MARIE!
Born 3/28/07

2007-03-29T13:31:00.001-07:00

For my Jewish friends:

From Reuters:

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - Marijuana is not kosher for Passover, a pro-cannabis advocacy group says, advising Jews who observe the week-long holiday's special dietary laws to take a break from smoking the weed.

The Green Leaf Party announced Wednesday that products of the cannabis plant have been grouped by rabbis within a family of foods such as peas, beans and lentils that is off-limits to Jews of European descent during Passover.

The Green Leaf Party, which has made several unsuccessful attempts to win election to parliament on a platform urging marijuana's legalisation, said it was issuing its advisory as a service to Jews who don't want to break ritual law.

But it said the rabbinical ban for the holiday beginning at sunset Monday, during which many Jews eat matzos, or unleavened bread, could be a blessing in disguise.

"Logic dictates that if the rabbis say cannabis is non-kosher for Passover, it is apparently kosher during the rest of the year," Michelle Levin, a spokeswoman for the party, told the YNet news web site.

2007-03-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a Godmother!!!

At 1:28pm EST, Emma Marie Pyrzanowski was born. 7lbs. 8oz, 19 1/2 inches. I'll post photos when I get some.

Big Brother Tyler is exceedingly proud:)

2007-03-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

I love my hometown newspaper's police blotter:

"Karin U. Stravalacci, 48, of Hillsborough, was charged with driving while intoxicated at 10:32 p.m. on Feb. 1.
Police said Ms. Stravalacci had arrived at police headquarters to bail out her husband and son on unrelated charges, when police noticed she appeared intoxicated. Police said they asked Ms. Stravalacci how she had gotten to headquarters, and she replied that she had driven herself. Police said they conducted sobriety tests and placed Ms. Stravalacci under arrest.
Police said Ms. Stravalacci's blood alcohol level tested at 0.27 percent. A BAC of 0.08 percent or higher is classified as driving while intoxicated by state law.
Ms. Stravalacci was released with a court date of March 13."

Lemme break it down for ya'll:

Woman shows up at the police station to bail out her HUSBAND AND SON. The police noticed that she seemed drunk, asked her how she got there. She TOLD them that she drove there. So they arrested her for DRUNK DRIVING!!

What a family!

2007-03-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

Ernest is gone!

Belly button hurts like hell (they cut me there), can't really cough, but all-in-all, feeling pretty good. Stay tuned - I'll post the pictures from the surgery in a few weeks - they thought I was weird for asking for them, but whatev! Wouldn't let me keep the gallbladder, though. Boo.

God Bless Vicodin!

2007-03-19T18:46:00.000-07:00

I DID IT!

For the very first time, I snowboarded. And guess what?!?? I'm pretty damn good at it. Granted, I looked nothing like this picture. Instead, imagine that it's 70 degrees. I'm sweating like a fat kid in gym class and shedding layers all over the mountain. I can also only snowboard backwards, apparently. We had some confusion as to whether or not I'm 'Regular' or 'Goofy.' Turns out, I might be 'Regular.' I have no idea what that means, but I think it would've helped with the whole 'forward momentum' thing.

So, yeah - I liked it. I could just drop down to my knees to fall. Or my ass. My legs never went in 19 different directions, like they did in skiing. And I could walk in the boots. I looked badass. Except for the stupid t-shirt I was wearing, and the 2 sizes too small ski pants that made me look like a polish sausage on a board. Turns out that although I may eventually turn out to be fairly decent at the sport, I am SO NOT COOL ENOUGH!

Still mad at those little 8-year-old fuckers that flew by me all day, though.

2007-03-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

New to me...

On Saturday, I said goodbye to Old Blue. She'd been very good to me. Brought me to California, got me through my first job here, stored all the crap I couldn't fit in my apartment. But she, like many things in my life, just had to go. I couldn't stand the constant sqealing, the rattling, the dripping, the stalling. She had just outlived her usefulness. Our last moments together were on the 405 south to Irvine. And quite honestly, I was a little sad.

Say goodbye!

However, be not sad for me. In her place, meet my new friend, Name Yet to Be Determined!

She's big-ish, black, and doesn't rattle! I think I love her.

I am now kicking it ROAD TRIP-style!

2007-03-08T18:30:00.000-08:00

It's rather like Fight Club. "I am Jack's raging bile duct." Instead, I got 2 hand-illustrated pamphlets - "I am Jaime's Gall Bladder."

Terribly disconcerting to think that I had my surgery explained to me via a bunch of 3rd-grade level comic books.

On Monday, I had a CAT scan. 48oz of the worst tasting, thickest poisonous drink followed by a GIANT, dye-injecting IV, and 15 minutes of scan. Turns out, they figure out I had Gall Stones. Which they figured out I had A MONTH AGO!!

Anyway, on March 21, I'm having Ernest removed. I named my troublesome Gallbladder Ernest. After Hemingway. Say 'Goodbye,' Ernest!

I plan on saying goodbye by tossing Ernest down a snow-covered hill the weekend before while strapped to a plank. Good fun all around!

2007-03-08T10:49:00.001-08:00

Read the best headline today:

"Tom Brady's Sperm is the "Tom Brady" of Sperm.

Fantastic.

2007-03-02T10:47:00.000-08:00

In a couple of weeks, this will be me!!

Well, I won't be quite so male. Or upright.

But I will be out on my ass on a snowboard!

I think I'll try hang gliding next.

2007-02-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

Fantasticness on the work front:

Apparently, an executive with whom I had a casual conversation with months ago about my goals and interests in the industry has taken it upon herself to tell everyone that I am not staying in my job and I don't want to be doing what I'm doing. As a result, it looks like I'm not committed to my job.

They should teach a class in how to defend yourself from a two-faced backstabber. It should be a required course in all film schools.

2007-02-20T15:27:00.000-08:00

Life Improvement 2007 Status Report:

Good:

Fixing my own car.

Going on a cruise (YAAAAAYYYYYY!)

Organizing my bills and receipts

Car shopping!

Dawn Moeller coming to visit - haven't seen her since 1995!

7 weeks - No Problem!

401K - Opened!

Savings - Got some!

Bad:

Stupid Useless Extraneous internal organs that get fucked up and need to be removed.

Car shopping! (Hey - did you know cars are friggin expensive??)

Rent Increase

Job stupidness (why do the people in the really high positions with the biggest paychecks seem to be the least able to think with common sense?)

So far, so good!

2007-02-12T16:50:00.000-08:00

Myspace...

The final frontier where the English language has officially been killed.

Perhaps it's because I'm older than the great majority of users. Or that I'm not in high school. Or just that I'm not a moron. But are teenagers SO friggin busy these days that they need to remove the extraneous capitalization and punctuation that plague our native tongue?

Case in point: Copied directly from

{Text removed to protect Blogger from discovery of being a total bitch}

Now, ignoring the content of the paragraph, I'd just like to address the lack of apostrophes. I am = im. Instant Messenger=IM. Capice? No, me neither. I'm also not sure about the concept of the mixed cases on Myspace. What are mixed cases, you ask? WeLl, It'S WhEn PeoPLE toSs RaNDoM cApiTALizaTiOn iNTo tHeIR WRitiNG. Okay, perhaps it's some sort of secret code, a cipher that when deciphered, reveals that these kids are composing Shakespeare and Proust-level materials. Or they're just dumb. I'm going with that.

2007-01-22T16:26:00.000-08:00

They keep coming and coming and coming...

Welcome to the world!

Isla Maeve Meehan-Smith (1/14/07)

And

Luke Jackson LaPira (1/17/07)

2007-01-17T18:53:00.000-08:00

January 17, 2007. It snowed today in Malibu and West L.A.

2007-01-15T22:15:00.001-08:00

GOLDEN GLOBES 2007

Helen Mirren - of course. She's friggin brilliant. She won for 'Elizabeth 1' but I saw 'The Queen' and she blew my mind.

Emily Blunt - ok. Good enough. 'My Summer of Love' was decent. Didn't see the movie she won for...Meh.

Hugh Laurie - Fun show. Good vote. Get Shalhoub off his high fucking horse. Trust me...it DOES affect how you are as a person.

America Ferrera - FUCKING AMEN!! God bless the HFPA! She has been goddamn amazing in 'Ugly Betty.' It's about time someone one for really portraying a person who is succeeding REGARDLESS of her weight and beauty.

Alec Baldwin -Meh. Don't watch the show.

Jeremy Irons - Yes, we get it. British actors are better than most American ones. But SERIOUSLY, People. Chewitel Ejiofor is friggin awesome. Love Actually, Kinky Boots, Tsunami - friggin brilliant. Should've won.

Bill Nighy - loved him in his other crap. Didn't see Gideon's Daughter. But okay. Not bad.

Kyra Sedgwick - Meh. Ok, I guess.

Prince - Meh. But JT was pretty funny.

Jennifer Hudson - I just saw 'Dreamgirls.' HOLY SHIT. It's fucking good. Go see it. Go see it!!!!!!!

Sasha Baron Cohen - Good god - to laugh that hard and STILL walk out thinking about the state of this country? Amen!

Martin Scorcese - Ok. He deserves this after the lifetime of his work that has blown my mind. The Departed was amazing.

Best film? Not going to weigh in on that. Too Subjective. 2007 was slightly disappointing, to say the least. But I will say this: let's keep these films under 2 hours - the fucking 24oz sodas can't compete!

Also, I'm drunk right now. Yes. It's 10:18 on a Monday night. But I also slammed my fingers in a very heavy window. So leave me alone!!!

Go Sasha!

2007-01-15T20:52:00.000-08:00

Note to all Award Show Technical Directors....

Please stop showing close-ups of this shit-smelling, lemon-chewing, sourpuss face that belongs to a second-rate actress that should never have gotten another role after Jerry McGuire.

P.S. My take on the 2007 Golden Globes will follow the telecast...

2007-01-13T11:31:00.000-08:00

Last night, I saw Children of Men...A fast-paced, visceral film that touches on so many of the issues we have today but still manages to explore the damage we are doing to the near future.

I sitll haven't gotten it out of my head.

Go see it. Go. See. It.

2007-01-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

Vent Alert:

I am going to vent. I'm going to use bad language. If you are easily offended, stop reading.

I work in Hollywood. Everyone knows it's a cutthroat business ("it's show business, not show friendship").

But I just can't take another moment of those little pisher brown-nosers who shove themselves so far up the big bosses' asses that the boss can't fart without hitting them in the forehead.

There is a person, who will remain nameless, who models underwear online, who I work with. She has decided that she wants someone else's job. A job that should rightly belong to only 2 people. So she does everything she can to make us look like idiot assholes. And she uses her position to shove herself into meetings that she has absolutely no purpose for being in, unless they are looking for a little girl to suck off every male executive in the building. (well, know, I'll be fair. I'm sure many of those female executives wouldn't mind a little down south action as well). She has positioned herself to be taken along on a trip that I'd rather tie her up and pull a 'Swimming With Sharks" than sit back and smile while she goes.

I fucking hate this little brown-nosing bitch. Perhaps it's a weakness I have that I don't feel the need to belittle myself for promotions. That I don't need to strip down to my underwear to move up in this business.

But I've also never been fired for talking shit about someone either. She has. Not so perfect, is she? How do I maintain my dignity while she steals everything I and my friend have been working for?

Is it worth maintaining my dignity for a promotion?

2007-01-05T14:59:00.000-08:00

More websites that I've discovered I love:

www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com

www.mulletsgalore.com

and...

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule

2006-12-26T22:45:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanzaa and all that jazz...

As New Year's fast approaches, it seems an opportune time to sit back and take stock of the past year. It's funny, how most of the big changes in my life always seem to happen at the same time. 2006 was no different.

The Challenges:

1. The end of a long relationship.
2. Losing a fantastic apartment. (and the divvying up of everthing in it.)
3. Living in a crack den until I found a new home.
4. Losing $700 to the person who rented the crack den to me.
5. Falling down the stairs, spraining my ankle and ending up in 4 months of Physical Therapy.
6. Bankruptcy.
7. Losing a beloved family member (Mary Ellen, you will be missed...)
8. Losing my side view mirror, AGAIN, while parked in a 'safe' neighborhood.
9. Watching my mother FINALLY hit rock bottom.
10. The total fracturing of my relationship with my mother.

But, there were definitely good things:

1. The end of a long, bad relationship.
2. Finding a fantastic new apartment that brought with it a new friend (and free massages!)
3. Realizing that I have developed a love for the legal system, while fighting the person who rented me the crack den.
4. Discovering that, YES, I can actually wake up and get to a 7:30am PT appointment three times a week.
5. New friends. Especially ones that take me in for the entirety of Christmas Day and make me feel like a TOTAL part of their family.
6. And, most importantly, the people in my life and what they represent: (the following are just a small selection)

The family I still have with me

Tyler, growing up to be as smart, and good looking, as his cool Aunt Jaime

New Beginnings

New Lives

Growing up, taking the plunge and giving me a sister

Audrey, Anytime

Friends coming home

Friends taking a very brave leap

Friends finding themselves again

And most importantly:

VEGAS.

Looking back, not too bad of a time after all. The challenges were pretty fierce. But things could always be worse. In the end, it just reinforces something I've learned a lot lately:

God never gives you more than you can handle. God also gives you the tools you need to handle them. In my case, just take a look at the pictures. My tools have been plentiful.

Have a very Happy New Year!

2006-12-11T10:51:00.000-08:00

OOPS!

A belated Happy Birthday to my future Sister-in-law, Marissa!

Welcome to old town!

2006-12-07T16:03:00.000-08:00

George Clooney's pet pig, Max, has died.

For those of you who have known me for some time, you will know that today was a sad day.

RIP, Max.

2006-12-04T17:57:00.000-08:00

Two fantastic websites I'm very fond of right now:

http://www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com

It's chock-full of Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers. Hence the name. Awesome.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

Another obvious. Nonetheless, brilliant. For example:

"Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it."

and

"Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter."

Please - enjoy.

2006-11-30T10:46:00.000-08:00

Douchebag.

I think it might be my new favorite word. And, thanks to my boss, Pete, we have a new derivative of the term that gives me endless pleasure - Douche Bumps. As in, 'That guy gives me douche bumps.'

I bring this up because last night, I had a weird dream. A dream that featured one of the biggest douchebags I've ever known. Matt and the folks from the 'boro, you'll get this - I had a dream with Duncan Campbell in it. And even in my dream he was being just his dirty, nasty, douchbaggiest-self.

And it got me thinking - I know quite a lot of people like this. So I've compiled a list. Some people are douchebags. Some give me the douche bumps. And yes, woman can earn the title 'douchebag' as well. Although I'll admittedly add the term "whorish" to it.

Feel free to add if you want.

Celebrity Douche Bags:

Kevin Federline
Tom Cruise
Pete Dougherty
That weird British chick, Jordan (whorish)
Ben Affleck
Wilmer Valderrrrrrrama
Paris Hilton (whorish)
Lindsay Hohan (coke-snorting, genital crabs-spreading)

2006-11-20T12:42:00.000-08:00

Wedding Madness...

So, on Saturday, I was at the wedding of two wonderful friends. But the world was watching this:

Two questions - how did she get shorter than him? My theory is that her right leg is stuck out in front of his legs, and both knees are slightly bent to give him the illusion of height.

The second thing is - do they not look that fancy? I mean, seriously...it's her wedding day. She married the most famous movie star EVER. She's got the entire world watching. So, why does her hair look like she just woke up? She looked better wearing the beachball than she did in this picture.

The third thing - why was this top billing over:

"IF I DID IT"

"IF I DID IT?????????" WHAT THE FUCK??!!

Uh, I didn't do it. But if I did, here's how?

Rupert Murdoch apparently decided NOT to air the special. Thank FUCKING god.

2006-11-20T10:22:00.000-08:00

Part 3 of the great Wedding Season of '06...

Congratulations to Jessica and Connie, the new Mrs. & Mrs. Brown-Marshall!

(a better pic to come)

2006-11-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

...As Promised...

Can't figure out why these are small, though. Help?

2006-11-10T12:10:00.000-08:00

A pictorial of our weekend - note the progression:)

More to come...

2006-11-07T22:33:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to Tom and Jeanne Worster!

2006-11-06T11:34:00.000-08:00

VEGAS, BABY!

Had a fantastic trip to Vegas this weekend with the gals - Cheryl, Melinda and Elease. Got off to a bit of a rough start, hitting a possum on the freeway about 1 mile from home, but then, it was smooth sailing.

Tom and Jeanne's wedding was lovely, intimate, and only suffered from one small fire that Melinda heroically put out after a brief attempt at blowing it out with mouthful of food.

We hit TAO, at the Venetian - escorted in by a friend of Mel's, Mike (THANKS MIKE!). We walked in and didn't even PAUSE in line - I felt like L.Lo and Paris, without being a slutty hoebag.

4am, stumbled back to the hotel.

Living the rockstar life!

2006-10-30T16:22:00.000-08:00

Learned a lesson this weekend:

Liquor is a tool of the devil. It makes you do stupid things.

Rum, more specifically.

Rum and Diet Coke even more specifically.

However, despite the horrendously bad decision to drive myself home (But I made it, successfully), I can now officially say I've met Howard the Duck.

2006-10-17T14:55:00.000-07:00

It's my 2006 Wedding Season.

This weekend was Ben and Heather's - they looked phenomenal and we had a great time.

Enjoy some pics!

2006-09-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

I went to the commissary for lunch today.

It was full of midgets.

Bizarre.

2006-09-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

WELL, FUCK THIS SHIT, MOTHERFUCKERS.
(I'm such a lovely lady, aren't I?)

"Muzzled Terriers: BU outlaws swearing in stands
Associated Press

BOSTON -- Boston University fans had better watch their language.

Under a new campus policy, anyone caught swearing or taunting the opposing players with racist or sexist chants during games face ejection, and repeated offenders could even be banned.

Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore said the new rule followed a stream of complaints about students' behavior at hockey games, particularly their swearing. Even NCAA hockey officials, who have probably heard it all in their jobs, have complained, he said.

"We wanted to make clear that games should be spirited and lively," Elmore said Monday. "But standing and shouting obscenities does not have a place. I don't equate school spirit with the yelling of obscenities."

Elmore said stadium ushers would enforce the policy.

The policy is based on similar rules at other schools, including the University of Wisconsin and Ohio State University, said Boston University spokesman Stephen Burgay. He said a lawyer examined the policy and determined it would not violate the First Amendment.

Some students weren't ready to believe it.

"That's terrible and an infringement on our freedom of speech," Kendall Lyons, an 18-year-old sophomore who said he often takes part in the chants, told The Boston Globe. "Sports won't be fun anymore."

Copyright 2006 by The Associated Press

2006-08-10T11:53:00.000-07:00

I LOVE GOOGLE.

I love Google. It's it the world's greatest invention. A few weeks ago, I was Google-ing my co-workers and discovered that one of them is a 1950's style pin-up model. Shocking, at first, then pretty cool.

Anyhoo

Yesterday I got a message on Myspace from a guy who found me by Googling someone and being led to this here little blog.

And who was he Googling?

Why, it was MISS LARA MARCELONIS, of course!

This fine young man, a Massachusettes resident and student at Berklee College of Music had done some editing for Lara's obviously Oscar-worthy indie film. After a month of driving him crazy to get this film completed, she gave him a pitifully small paycheck, which then BOUNCED!

He searched me out with the hopes of getting her contact information to track down his money.

Now, if I've got this straight: 3 of her old "roommate/tenants" hate her. 2 have sued her. Someone who worked for her on one of her films is now looking for her because she bounced a check. She lied about being a property owner. She threatened me with a restraining order. She called me a selfish bitch and accused me of trying to ruin her life.

Uh. Ok.

Looks like someone is quite the little criminal, doesn't it? Has a habit of writing rubber checks and stealing other people's money.

I think I want to lead a revolt against her. Unite her enemies. I'll be like, uh, some historical guy that led a revolt!

2006-07-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 27TH BIRTHDAY TO HEATHER!

Since nothing other than a big birthday is going on today, I would like to share my 2 new favorite Yo Mamma jokes.

#1. Yo Mamma so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.

#2. Yo Mamma so hairy, when you were born you almost died of rugburn.

That's all for me, folks! GOODNIGHT!

2006-07-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

I love my friends.

Sometimes it's easy to take them for granted. Usually up for a good time, can be counted on to help me move. All in all, a great bunch to have around.

But the reason that I love them this time?

Total and complete ego stroking!

Last weekend I took a new friend to meet some old friends at a local neighborhood bar. There we ran into a girl who my ex in now apparently dating. Or so I hear. My friends know her. They are scared of her. She is what we fondly call a "Bar Hag." No explanation needed, I think. Until my arrival, she was hanging on them like a hemerrhoid. But the minute I arrived, she disappeared. Wouldn't look at them, wouldn't talk to them, wouldn't even walk to our side of the bar. It was like she somehow knew who I was. Which is very odd, considering she never met me as his girlfriend. Needless to say, my friends were thrilled. I was 'bar hag' -icide.

And then my friend, my new favoritist man in the world, who shall remain nameless right now, said the magic words.

"Dude, I don't know what he is thinking. You are so much prettier than her."

I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!

2006-07-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

I went out last weekend on a blind date with a very nice man - he was clean and smart, lives alone, has two dogs. We had a lovely time and he asked me out again. I said yes, of course. That night, he sent me an email suggesting we take the dogs hiking this coming weekend. Since I love hiking, I agreed. But apparently, that was not the right thing to do. At least 5 of my friends pointed out that if I go hiking with a man I don't know too well, I will be murdered and dumped in some hidden canyon with no way of anyone finding me.

Hmm.

So I emailed him and explained that I would have to pass on the hiking, but would like to see him again. Perhaps over dinner or walking the dogs down in Venice.

He emailed me back and said it was good because he had to work anyway. I haven't heard from him since.

My question, this time, is not "Did he not like me?" I'm just wondering - since he doesn't want to see me now that I have turned down hiking, do you think he was really going to murder me and dump me in some hidden canyon?

I don't think I like dating. I think I'll take a break for a while. I don't like thinking I could DIE on a date.

Holy crap.

2006-06-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

Can you see the family resemblance? We were dropped a lot as babies.

2006-06-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY TO MY LITTLE BIGGER BROTHER MATT!

WELCOME TO THE BIG LEAGUES!

2006-06-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

I stole this picture from Melinda. But I like it. I like that Donnie and Elease are the protesting type. I walk everywhere now. I yell at Hummer drivers. DAMN the MAN! Save the Empire!

On a more sad note, Monday night my family lost a very special old friend (old in length of knowing her, not in age). I was the flower girl in her wedding when I was 5. She let me pick out my own dress - it was purple, off the shoulder, with a big 'ol hoop skirt - I loved that dress. I wish I still had it.

Anyway, her name was MaryEllen. She was a rabblerouser and a partier. I can't make it home for the funeral tomorrow, so I'll be honoring her in the only way she'd appreciate - at a bar. I'd love it anyone cared to join me. If not, at some point this weekend, toss back a drink in the memory of one genuinely FUN person. She'd love that.

Happy Thursday

2006-06-26T15:12:00.000-07:00

Things that Piss Me Off, part 117.

1. Calling a company's 1-800 number and having some heavily accent guy in INDIA named Sean (yeah, Sean. I've met a TON of Indian Seans) provide me with excellent customer service. And by excellent, I mean where I can't understand him, and when he repeats himself, he does it in such a condescending tone that it's clear he believes that I am just another stupid American.

2. Drivers who honk at you when you don't pull up into the area on the street marked "KEEP CLEAR" because they want to get that extra 2.5" feet further forward. Usually, they are on a cell phone, smoking a cigarette and applying eye makeup while they do so.

3. Humidity. I left the east coast because of the humidity. So what the hell is it doing here?

4. Hangovers. Don't really have much to say about that 'cept I wish I didn't have 2 this past weekend. Oops!

2006-06-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

A SHOUT OUT

To Matt and Marissa, newly engaged as of about 3pm today.

In roughly a year's time, I will legally finally have a sister.

CONGRATULATIONS!

2006-06-22T18:36:00.000-07:00

Has anyone noticed the sudden abundance of babies and pregnancies this year?
Yet another friend has announced her pregnancy to me today.
Let's do the math, now shall we?

Laura & Dan - 1 down 1 due in August
Amber & Jon - 1 down 1 due in March
Kim & Dana - 1 arrived in May
Paul & Angie - 1 arrived in May
Danielle & Kevin - 1 arrived in June
** & ** (not my news to tell:))- 1 due in December-ish
Allison - 1 due in August
Seth & Melissa - Eskander arrives in the fall

So, what precedes babies? Weddings. Lots and lots o' weddings.

1 in October
2 in November
1 TBA

8 babies. 4 weddings.

Now. Let's go one step further. If you estimate that most people give a new baby gift in the average range of $40, that adds up to roughly $320, just for baby showers.

Weddings - $75 is the average gift. I will be a guest with no travel expenses at only one wedding. I have one destination wedding. Vegas over a Saturday night. $100 airfare, $150 hotel, $30 taxis and $50 food. One destination wedding + gift = $405. And there is the wedding that you are a bridesmaid in. These fall into a few categories: Bridesmaid or Maid of Honor.

I am currently a M.O.H. in one sorta-local wedding. Dress: $90. Shoes: $30. Hotel, 2 nights: $250. Bachelorette Party: $200. Shower: $200. Gift: $75. Total: $845.

The final type is the destination & Bridesmaid Wedding. Tack another $400 for airfare and rental car to the previous. Total: $1245.00.

Grand total of all Babies and Weddings Thus Far: $2,890.00.

NEARLY $3000!!!!

I'm totally registering for a car for my next birthday.

2006-06-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

8:10am Today

Fire alarm in my building went off again. Something like the 15th time in the last month. Even at about 60 decibals, we've all learned to ignore it. I talked to my building manager about it. He thinks someone is pulling the alarm. Does that mean he's done anything? Of course not. He told me to just stay inside - that I'd figure it out if it was a real fire. Nothing like a little "Boy who cried wolf" action. Usually, the alarm turns off within 5 or 10 minutes. Today, it was a full 30 minutes. It was finally shut off when the fire truck arrived. THIRTY minutes for a fire truck. THAT'S pretty friggin ridiculous. I mean, it's not like we live in Bakersfield or something. I'm in PALMS! There are 4 firehouses within a 10 block radius. Why on earth did it take 30 minutes for them to get here?

My head hurts and my ears are still ringing. Boo

2006-06-12T23:33:00.000-07:00

Question:

I'm sitting here at 11:23pm watching the movie, Satisfaction. Can someone please answer me when I ask, "Who the hell thought shooting a movie with Justine Bateman rocking out with a cowbell and Julia Roberts on bass guitar was a good idea?"

And Who the fuck would cast LIAM NEESON as the romantic interest to Ms. Mallory Keaton?

Okay Ya'll - G'NIGHT!

2006-06-12T11:19:00.000-07:00

Please Save Me from Myself...

This weekend (not counting Friday, on which I played the ponies and went bar-hopping with some people I just found out I work with), I spent pretty much the entire time sitting on my sofa watching cheesy-ass movies and feeling sorry for myself. Have you ever had a weekend like that? Where movies like (don't shoot me) RAISE YOUR VOICE or SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS make you cry your fricken eyes out? I woke up today feeling much better and pissed off that I even sat through a third of Raise Your Voice. It's really not normal though. I just curled up in a ball and stared at the tv for like 10 hours.

I did make my way to Ross and Target Sunday afternoon. After waiting around for Bring It On to end.

I was in the dressing room at Ross and realized that I was the only English-speaking person in there. Then, I got on line. I
waited and waited AND WAITED. No movement. So I switched lines. Then, my first line started flying and three people behind me checked out before I even got to the register. When I finally got to the register, a woman jumped in front of me and plopped 4 pairs of shoes on the counter. She then went up to the front of the store and started trying the shoes on her stupid, ugly, undisiplined and dirty fricken kids. After ANOTHER 5 minutes, she comes back, jumps in front of me and starts to check out.

Went to Target after. Same thing happened. I just got pissed off and went home.

Someone has turned me into a p***y. Once upon a time, I never would have tolerated someone walking all over me like that. I would have defended myself. I need to find my backbone. If you can find it, please let me know.